Tormented. out May 22. take it away. please ! please!

Oh dear. Essentially Hollyoaks with blood or an episode of Skins meets Scream, Brit- high school horror Tormented has its target audience firmly in view. Sadly this does not seem to include anyone a; over the age of 15 or b; seen more than a handful of decent movies (horror or otherwise). Even the basest teen soap has more wit and vigour than this frankly embarrassing offering.

The plot, such as it is, concerns the suicide of bullied teen Darren Mullet and his apparent re-appearance as a vengeful zombie ghost thing eager to get back at the cast of gormless, braying good looking bastards who did for him in the first place.

Displaying varying degrees of idiocy, the clichéd bunch of Emos, slappers, geeks and jocks get bumped off in disappointingly boring fashion. The final ‘twist’ is laughable and seeks to act as some sort of get out clause for the mirthless crap that preceded it.

Avoid like the plague. It’ll probably be huge.

Note: Incredibly Empire magazine which I enjoy and respect gave this pile an extremely generous and good review. Why ??! Seriously, any horror  fan (or sentient being) will be switched off by this. The fact that it's rated a 15 should tell you that it's not in the so shit or rank that it's good category...whatever.... 

Blog updates

Have been a bit quiet on the old blog front lately... apologies to the warm souled few for this...updates a plenty everywhere coming up x 

Is Anybody There? - Rel. 1 May - Michael Caine on top form

10 year old Edward (Bill Milner) lives a lonely existence in a sea-side retirement home with his stressed out parents (David Morrissey, Anne-Marie Duff) and a cast of eccentric geriatrics. Bored and increasingly obsessed with death, he is abruptly brought out of his morbid shell by the arrival of “The Amazing” Clarence (Michael Caine) an anarchic retired magician.

Mining similar territory to last year’s Brit-hit ‘Son of Rambow’ (also featuring rising child star Milner) ‘Is Anybody There?’ is a charming and often very funny slice of 80’s family nostalgia that – thanks to Peter Harness’ terrific script – always manages to ring true.

Unsurprisingly, Caine lights up the screen whenever on it and he and Milner develop a chemistry that imbues the drama with a real depth of emotion and credibility. Backed up by a strong supporting cast of familiar faces (Leslie Philips, Sylvia Syms) this is a quintessentially English story that should find itself a wide audience.

7/10

Bronson released 13 March

I read a book about legendary nutter Charles Bronson many years ago and always felt it would make a great bio-pic. Well, here it is! And it's good. 

Michael Peterson, better known as Charles Bronson (named after the Death Wish actor for want of a fighting name) has the dubious honour of being known alternately as Britain's 'most notorious prisoner' and 'Britain's most dangerous prisoner'. A fascinatingly complex and self-destructive figure, he has spent most of his life behind bars. Prison gave him the recognition he craved; earning a reputation for insane random acts of violence and a punishing exercise routine.

This grimly humourous and often surreal drama takes us through the pivotal moments of Bronson's (a buffed up Tom Hardy; RocknRolla) life, including hold-ups, prize-fights and dancing to the Pet Shop Boys in a mental hospital. No punches - or kicks, or choke-holds - are pulled along the way.

However, despite Bronson's commitment to ultra-realistic violence (the predictable outcry about glorification can already be heard), the second act of the film concentrates on the man's idiosyncratic artistic ability; developed through prison classes and encouraged by James Lance's (I'm Alan Partridge, Teachers) entertainingly camp teacher. Bronson's twin passions of art and violence culminate in an extraordinary climax, which will surely be one of the most talked about in a British movie this year. 

Essentially an English take on Aussie crime classic Chopper, a similarly cult audience is assured. 

Breakdance 1 and 2 released on DVD

Somehow I had never seen these movies before - despite a love of electro and early hip-hop. I had seen clips, of course. (Van Damme!) Anyway, they are bloody funny. Here is my review...

Breakdance (along with it's sequel Electric Boogaloo) or Breakin' in the US has to be hailed as a serious contender for most 80's movie ever. A bold claim certainly; but one that is wholly supported by weapons of mass distraction such as insane moves, street 'tuff' fashions and plot lines centering on fighting evil corporate yuppies solely through the medium of dance. 

It comes as no surprise that the ludicrously cheesy scrapes involving the three main characters; Ozone, Turbo and, erm, Kelly are merely a vehicle for them and their mates to show off some stunning dancing. Still, the filmmakers were unlikely to have been overly concerned with the depth of plot or character development when coming up with the initial 'concept'. 

As an often hilarious and always endearing slice of 80's nostalgia the Breakdance films are hard to beat. Worth the price alone is a blink and you'll miss him Jean Claude Van Damme breakin' away and a slightly embarrassed looking Ice-T, rapping in distinctly non-gangsterish manner. Fresh, y'all! 

The DVDs are released in UK on 6 April 2009