Robert in the Underworld

'Ware Tomato Juice

2011-10-20T08:32:00.000-07:00

An accident happened to my brother Jim
When somebody threw a tomato at him -
Tomatoes are juicy and don't hurt the skin,
But this one was specially packed in a tin.

ANON

Lars von Trier's Melancholia (released 30 Sept)

2011-08-30T03:35:00.000-07:00

Agent provocateur, enfant terrible, wind-up merchant…call him what you will, enigmatic auteur Lars von Trier is fond of the big statement. Thankfully, after his embarrassing - and firmly tongue in cheek – comments at Cannes earlier this year, all of his visionary zeal and intellectual bombast has gone on screen for this the follow-up to the controversial, contentious and largely misunderstood Antichrist.

It doesn’t get much bigger than the end of the world and Melancholia deals with this in a fantastically moving and powerful way. The apocalyptic tour de force features an impressive cast, with star turns from Charlotte Gainsbourg, John Hurt, Charlotte Rampling and above all, Kirsten Dunst, who has never been better.

From the incendiary extended opening montage sequence Melancholia looks and feels like little else. From then on the film is clearly divided between the psyches of Dunst’s Justine and Gainsbourg’s Claire, with the first part recalling von Trier’s fellow Dane Thomas Vinterberg’s family tragedy Festen. The second part goes deeper into pseudo science-fiction territory. Von Trier’s strange and beautiful figures dance around a doomed planet asking questions and providing no easy answers. It is without doubt von Trier’s most honest work. It is also his best. It comes from and speaks to the soul.

Official Site

And the crowd cried out Fhoi Myore...

2011-08-24T02:57:00.000-07:00

Artwork!

2011-08-02T12:16:00.001-07:00

I just posted a load of my artwork HERE

Cell 211 - Out Now

2011-07-15T02:38:00.000-07:00

Soaking in blood, sweat and everything else, this hard as a hammer Spanish prison drama is based around a wonderfully inventive concept – a guard trapped in a riot has to pretend to be a convict to avoid being killed. It’s a beautifully simple idea and one that keeps the audience on its toes throughout.

Eager to impress, Juan (Alberto Ammann) leaves his pregnant wife (Marta Etura) at home in order to go to work a day early. Unfortunately for him, all hell is just about to break loose. After an accident knocks him out, Juan wakes up in the cell of the title. He has to think fast. Or die.

Central to the disturbance is Malamadre – literally ‘bad mother’ in English - (Luis Tosar) whose trust Juan must win in order to survive. Their relationship becomes deep, full of complexities and contradictions – as well as more than a little homo-eroticism, particularly when Juan is forced to strip in a humiliating ‘welcome’ to the prison – and one that defines the film.

Cell 211 is an uncompromisingly grim experience and it presents a pretty bleak outlook for the Spanish prison system. However, the prisoners are never presented as anything less than human. There is also the fascinating realisation that without the bars, chains and locks, there is not that much that separates the guards from the prisoners.

New Lord Dongley - Coming Soon...

2011-07-13T05:13:00.000-07:00

Angels of Evil - Out Now

2011-05-30T07:22:00.000-07:00

Angels of Evil

Covering similar stylistic ground to 2008’s French crime biography Mesrine but lacking some of that movie’s emotional punch, this visually appealing but repetitive piece tells the true(ish) story of Milanese gang leader Renato Vallenzasca. The film follows the conventions of most mobster histories - and, it must be said, with no small amount of flair – as the rise and fall of yet another violent man is glamorously played out on screen.

The best aspects of the film come from the central performance of Kim Rossi Stuart as Vallenzasca, imbuing the character with charm and charisma as he goes from crime to prison to escape and then back again. The solid supporting cast - including Paz Vega and Moritz Belibtreau – strengthen the film’s overall quality but in truth there is little here that hasn’t been seen before. There is excitement, yes, and beautiful people and beautiful locations but what there is not is a sense of depth in the screenplay. As the production notes themselves attest “in this film you will not discover the truth about Vallenzasca’s case. Instead you will discover that there is more than one truth…” This ambiguity, shifting of morals and superficiality may have been Vallenzasca’s greatest strength but ultimately it is his – and the movie’s – greatest weakness too.

Fact of the Day

2011-05-27T00:18:00.000-07:00

London
Is full of People
Who will only talk to you
If you can further their career
Make them more popular
Or get them into parties

That's not a tribute to Alan Partridge by the way.

Love Like Poison - Out Now

2011-05-16T05:33:00.000-07:00

Newcomer Katel Quillevere’s directorial debut is a moving coming-of-age drama blending emotional depth with an intense naturalistic social realism. Unafraid to tackle big ideas, the script deals with sex and religion with admirable frankness and maturity. Doing all of this while retaining a sweetness and playful innocence is part of what makes this film such a memorable one.

The story centres on Anna (Clara Augarde), a young teenager filled with doubts about her faith and desires. Returning to her small Breton village from Catholic boarding school for the holidays she discovers that her father has left. Her shocked and depressed mother (Lio) seeks the company of the local priest (Stefano Cassetti), who is also a childhood friend. Meanwhile Anna quietly plays Connect 4 and listens to old records with her blasphemous, cantankerous grandfather Jean (Michel Galabru). Soon her attention is drawn towards local boy Pierre, an earthy and free-thinking youth who inspires many conflicting feelings within Anna.

Love Like Poison scores high points in many important areas. Visually it is stunning. Certain scenes seem to be drenched in bold, vibrant colours – Quilevere has said that the expressive use of colours by Dario Argento and Douglas Sirk helped guide the work –while others have a melancholic, shadowy feel. The landscape of Brittany is brought out all its wild, rugged glory and the village itself and its people have a timeless quality that could almost be from any decade in the last 30.
The film is also interesting in its use of music. The title is inspired by a Serge Gainsbourg song and the eclectic folk songs and choir music – including a choral version of Radiohead’s Creep – add a powerful dimension to the events on screen.

A rich vein of dry humour runs through the film; Catholic traditions are respected but there is a healthy amount of cynicism about the power of the church as well as the infamous guilt it all too often inspires. It is no coincidence that Anna’s crisis of faith comes just as she is preparing for her confirmation – there is little doubt that Quillevere’s primary interest is to raise doubts about the focus of religion in Catholic families.

The balance of darkness and humour is well portrayed in the character of Jean, a fun loving and independent man whose bawdiness and natural jocularity provide the film with its lightest moments. However his sickness of mind and body lead him into darker territory. In a way he represents the humanist model without God; in one scene he openly belittles and disrespects the priest but he is ill and shows signs of becoming amoral and ‘less human’ in his dementia.

Love Like Poison is a remarkable debut – there is a style and uniqueness about it which draws the audience in. There are so many ideas in the script and the acting and casting is uniformly excellent. Some of the pacing goes occasionally awry but on the whole this is a wonderfully affecting picture from a filmmaker worthy of attention.

This review also appears here

Everywhere and Nowhere - Out Now

2011-05-12T04:50:00.000-07:00

Kidulthood director Menhaj Huda’s sporadically eloquent film attempts - and mostly succeeds - to give a realistic account of the British-Asian growing up experience. Aspiring DJ Ash (James Floyd) experiences freedom in London’s club scene but feels trapped at home, under the stern gaze of his traditional father (Alyy Khan). While relatives and friends party, take drugs and get on with their lives, Ash’s music career takes off, partly encouraged by older DJ Ronnie (an unconvincing ex-Blue singer Simon Webbe).

Featuring an interesting cast (Saeed Jaffrey, Art Malik, Adam Deacon and The Inbetweeners’ James Buckley) and a stirringly authentic soundtrack from Shiva Soundsystem’s Nerm, Everywhere and Nowhere is on solid ground with the excellent club scenes but falters slightly towards the end of the family drama.

Howl - James Franco IS Allen Ginsberg!

2011-03-08T11:58:00.000-08:00

One for the ‘angel headed hipsters’, Howl is a flawed attempt at telling the story of one of modern poetry’s best loved and most parodied works. According to directors Jeffery Friedman & Rob Epstein, the film is ‘a poem-pic‘ and not a traditional biopic. In this goal they are at least partly successful.

Alllen Ginsberg’s Howl is, along with Jack Kerouac’s On the Road and William Burrough’s The Naked Lunch, one of the cornerstones of the ‘beat generation’, that group of writers who in the 1950’s transformed the American (and later the world’s) literary landscape and eventually influenced and helped shape the counter culture - or as, Ginsberg puts it; “just a bunch of guys trying to get published”.

The movie progresses in three ways: a documentary interview with Franco’s Ginsberg, Franco’s reading of Howl over the effective and visually appealing animation work of Ginsberg collaborator Eric Drooker and the dramatised obscenity trial where the prosecution tried to prove that the work had no literary value. Of these, the reading over animations works the best. The other two segments call to mind Mark Twain’s quote about how explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog – you understand the frog better but it dies in the process. Here, for joke, read poem.

Despite a short running time and a sharp, fizzing performance from Franco – a novelist as well as an actor himself - Howl could prove to be something of a slog for non-Ginsberg converts. To them I would suggest; buy the book instead.

Cave of Forgotten Dreams - Herzog and Pre-History...in 3D! Released 25 March

2011-03-08T11:40:00.000-08:00

A visually stunning and, at times, humbling experience, Herzog’s mesmerising 3D documentary presents the audience with a chance to examine the earliest prehistoric cave paintings currently known . Gaining unprecedented access, the crew crawled along narrow walkways throughout the cave to bring the 35,000 year old artworks to the screen. The contours of the cave come to life brilliantly and, staring at the animal figures and prints of early humans in the dark, one almost feels inside the cave – separated by thousands of years but somehow connected. A beautiful achievement, held together by Herzog’s wry narration and interviews with the often eccentric cast of scientists and archaeologists conducting work into exploring the cave, Cave of Forgotten Dreams is a perspective changing film that is literally full of humanity.

TRAILER

Robert W Monk

Buried - Out on DVD now

2011-03-08T11:27:00.000-08:00

Tapping a similarly bruised vein to Danny Boyle’s recent gripping yet flawed James Franco vehicle 127 Hours, Buried is an unforgiving claustrophobia-fest; an experience that at times feels like an assault and that if thought about too deeply is liable to cause king size panic attacks.

The entire film hangs on the enticing premise of one man buried 6 feet underground with only a lighter and a mobile phone with rapidly diminishing battery life for company. Ryan Reynolds is superb as the American contractor ambushed by suspected insurgents whilst working in Iraq.
In what is essentially a one man show, Reynolds’s performance as Paul Conroy makes the movie. The only interaction he has with the outside world comes via the mobile in calls to and from his captors, US authorities and his family back at home.

The tension is set to eleven from the very start; the Saul Bass style titles bringing to mind the glory days of suspense cinema and providing the right amount of melodrama and expectation for what is to come. Reynolds’s sufferings – grimly extracted from unrelenting close ups of his anguished face – seem all too real. It would be an unfeeling audience indeed that did not feel its heart rate accelerate during the taut 90 minutes of the running time.

Buried successfully conveys that most primeval of human fears – the fear of being buried alive. This is a fear that everybody can relate too – the fact that the film is anchored by a great performance, tight direction (from Spanish director Ricardo Cortes) and a script that keeps you guessing until the very end only strengthens the piece.

A real gem – Buried is a heartening example of an American thriller coming from slightly under the radar to do what old school thrillers used to do – to provoke, entertain and quicken the pulse.

Robert W Monk

West is West released 25 Feb

2011-02-07T14:27:00.000-08:00

The hugely popular comedy drama East is East did not seem like an obvious candidate for the sequel treatment. After all, it has been over a decade since audiences were first introduced to the Khan family and the film contained a satisfying ending that seemed to have concluded their story. However, West is West, set five years later, reunites most of the cast for what happily turns out to be a film just as warm, funny and thought provoking as its predecessor.

This look at Anglo-Pakistani relations – expertly written by Ayub Khan Din, as with the first film – concentrates on the stories of 13 year old Sajid (newcomer Aquib Khan, who bears a remarkable similarity to East is East’s original parka wearing Sajid) and his patriarchal father George (legendary Indian actor Om Puri).
After a bored, lonely and racially bullied Sajid begins truanting and shoplifting, George decides to try and instil some traditional values in him and takes him to Pakistan and the Punjab, to the family he abandoned for England 30 years before. Both Sajid and his father are forced to closely examine their lives and face some uncomfortable home truths.

West is West is a worthy sequel and in some ways shows a greater depth and sophistication than the earlier film. It is at least as funny – largely due to a great debut performance from the youngster Aquib Khan – and will delight and enthral audiences of all ages.

Robert W Monk
View Trailer
From Clash Magazine

Biutiful - Released 28 Jan

2011-01-24T14:43:00.000-08:00

I loved this film from Alejandro González Iñárritu and starring Javier Bardem.
Read more on Biutiful AT DON'T PANIC

2011 - OK

2011-01-15T18:54:00.000-08:00

So now I have to look at you.
"My face is melting".

2011 - What a Shitter. Better than the last one. At least I'm not making jokes about Socialism. I got a job yesterday. Better than not having one I guess. Monetise. Monetise. Monetise. Monetise. Monetise. Monetise. Monetise. Animal EYES.

2010 - The Year We Made Contact

2010-12-31T08:41:00.000-08:00

2010 could be seen as a rather 'difficult' year for me. Or to put it another way 'completely fucking shit'. Particularly the second half. I mean, I experienced redundancy, burglary, unemployment and fraud all within the space of a few months...

But despite all these various setbacks, I'm going to choose to look on 2010 as the start of a new chapter. Or, I would if it didn't sound so deeply pretentious.

I will remember 2010 as the year I gradually began to reclaim back some of my life. I wrote more and performed more (er, well 6 gigs... that's quite a lot for me). I visited Sicily and Berlin. I began to understand that drinking for 48 hours each weekend isn't always the best course of action. I kept my good friends and made new ones. I recognised the true enemy as fear and ignorance and the ones that harness that power to control and enslave populations and minds.

I also saw the glimmer of a life away from full-time regular 9-5 employment. This is starting to sound like a school end of year record book so I shall stop now and thank my loved ones for their patience and understanding and wish you all a happy New Year!

Robert W Monk

The London Underground Film Festival - 4th - 10th December

2010-11-29T10:28:00.001-08:00

I wrote an article about the London Underground Film Festival -
It can be found HERE

bad thinkers stop now

2010-11-11T19:27:00.000-08:00

I could write bad poetry until I'm dead
----------------------------------------------
Or, I could borrow from books already read
----------------------------------------------
I could stand my ground, too proud to receive
----------------------------------------------
A pathway constructed, with no chance to leave
----------------------------------------------

London 2012 - your charming smile touches my soul.

2010-11-11T18:54:00.000-08:00

Work camps/
For the Dispossessed/
East London/
Ratford/
Growing/
Glowing/
Gold Medal/
For the one/
Who finishes/
Last/
Closing Ceremony/

The London Underground Film Festival - 4th - 10th December

2010-11-11T04:24:00.000-08:00

With an enticing and eclectic programme featuring provocative screenings, performances and talks from established and up and coming artists the London Underground Film Festival is all set to shock and awe.

Running from the 4th to the 10th December, the Festival offers lovers of the obscure and strange the rare chance to see genre-less and genre-defying film take centre stage. Taking in darkly humorous shorts, inspiring geographical documentaries and avant-garde expressionism there is a truly mind - searing range of cinematic styles on show.

The programme is highlighted and contextualised by live acts, exhibitions and discussions including the surreal experimentation of Arthur Lager, the rebellious spirit and political activism of Dario Vigorito’s work in music video and the Greenaway Oration given by Dr. Patricia MacCormack on Necrosexualty.

With a whole week of events scheduled in the eccentric environs of London’s Horse Hospital the Festival has the time and the freedom to do things in its own mercurial
way.

As James Lowry, director of the London Underground Film Festival explains:
“I wanted to put together a large programme that would allow room for exploring various aspects of underground film. I try to understand things in their historical contexts, and I wanted to be able to explore the development of a genre, the work of an auteur and bring in film theory too. It seems like the many London film festivals happening at the moment are either too mainstream or too niche to allow for that kind of exploration. I think I just wanted to put together a film festival I'd want to go
to.”

So, cinephiles looking for something a little different you know where to go...

The London Underground Film Festival runs from the 4th – 10th December at the Horse
Hospital, Bloomsbury, London and tickets and the full programme can be found at:

www.londonundergroundfilmfestival.org.uk
www.clashmusic.com/news/london-underground-film-festival

Readings in November

2010-11-01T08:30:00.000-07:00

I am reading some poetry at long running spoken word/anti-folk/anti-whatever night Spoonful of Poinson at the Lion 132 Stoke Newington Church St on Weds 3 Nov.

I will also be reading a new story with musical backing at SsshBoom at the Nave on 20 Nov. Contact me via email/facebook for details if interested !

The Sun & The Moon As Serial Killers

2010-09-13T10:39:00.001-07:00

Also from 1998...

Old Comics

2010-09-13T10:15:00.000-07:00

The following are some examples of comic strips and ill-ustration from the short-lived small press mag Passenger Pigeons I did with a couple of friends many moons ago... 1998 to be precise. Anyway, I'm going to start drawing again for the best reason of all - it's fun !

Splice - out now - 100 word review

2010-07-30T11:00:00.000-07:00

100 word review time for Vincenzo Natali's (Cube) 'Splice'.

Sarah Polley and Adrien Brody are cool/geek scientists. She wants a kid, he doesn't. They 'splice' their genetic monstrous creation with human DNA making 'Dren' (nerd backwards) a weird girl thing with bird/serpent/spider stuff in there. Polley has weird mother-daughter relationship going on, Brody isn't so sure - um, till he has sex with it (pretty hilarious in a deeply wrong way) that is and it all goes pear shaped.

Basically a cautionary 'fear of science' B-movie with a budget, there are nods to the Frankenstein story and other creature features and it's a decent laugh but no more than that. A Saturday night movie for sci-fi/horror fans...

The Secret in Their Eyes (El Secreto de Sus Ojos) - Out Aug 13

2010-07-22T03:12:00.001-07:00

Richly deserving of this year’s best foreign language Oscar, this superlative and impeccably crafted Argentinean trawl through the human condition draws its audience in and never lets go until the closing frame. Like a classic novel, it encompasses many disparate subjects – love and evil, the passing of time, loneliness and desire; and yet has the resonance of truth that all great works share and has the finesse to bring everything together in one literate and compelling whole.

The story stretches across twenty five years as newly retired criminal court employee Benjamin Esposito (Ricardo Darin) decides to write a novel based around a tragic case of rape and murder that he was once assigned to. Switching between the older Esposito’s growing obsession with the un-concluded investigation as well as his unrequited love for his younger, beautiful and socially elevated ex-boss (Soledad Villamil) and the case itself, the movie’s sophisticated script artfully goes from noir-style creepiness to love story to out and out horror within its packed running time. But there are no easy answers and it would be a disservice to the mastery of the writing, acting and production on display to try and pigeonhole a single scene or character.

A truly wonderful cinematic experience.

Ssssh Boom - 6 August, Dalston, London

2010-06-23T06:18:00.000-07:00

I'm reading a long prose poem/monologue (with music!)at Ssssh Boom at the Nave between Dalston and Islington on Friday 6 August.
Yeah, I know it's a long way off but it promises to be quite a night. The venue is fantasticly unusual and there is a lot of talent on show from poets, dancers, musicians and all round creative types.
Tickets are on sale here :

www.wegottickets.com/event/85939

Tetro - out 23 June

2010-06-17T10:11:00.000-07:00

Coppola takes a break from making wine to return to similar territory to 2005’s Youth Without Youth directing and writing this mesmerising, highly literate tale of familial secrets and lies.

Tetro follows 17 year old Bennie ‘s search for his older brother Tetro in Argentina’s capital. Once there, the two siblings confront shared histories and deceits, while each pursuing their own agendas.

Perfectly cast Vincent Gallo exudes broken down, beatnik charm as the eponymous blocked writer, while newcomer Alden Ehrenreich nearly steals the show as his younger brother, fuelled by confused desires and destructive rivalries. Maribel Verdu adds class to the supporting roles as Tetro’s former psychotherapist turned common law wife Miranda. Her subtle, understated performance as a wise and emotionally mature woman who just happens to be in love is the kind of female character that Hollywood rarely portrays – it’s a well written part and Verdu makes the most of it.

The city of Buenos Aries is an important character in itself. Its bohemian cafes and bars take on an almost mythical aspect with the intense black and white cinematography, while flashbacks are brought forth in phantasmagoric colour and brief dance sequences (calling to mind The Red Shoes). It’s ‘artsy’ approach fits in well with the beatnik ambience; jazz scores filter through the theatrical conversations and the whole film has a dreamlike quality, with everything being expressed in an extremely stylised way.

No doubt many would fault some of these techniques as pretension – they should, however, be seen as a continuation of Coppola’s stunning 1970’s output, where he invented new rules and discarded old ones. And while Tetro does not quite reach the heights of The Conversation or The Godfather’s (1&2) it is an intriguing, intelligent film and the best thing Coppola’s been involved with for many long years.

A startling reminder of how film can transport an audience, Tetro is the work of a true master rediscovering his muse.

This review also appears here: http://www.dontpaniconline.com/magazine/film/tetro2

Resurrecting the Street Walker - Out on DVD June 28

2010-06-11T15:09:00.000-07:00

A wonderfully smart horror film, writer Ozgur Uyanik’s debut takes a clinical look at video nasty conventions and twists them into something entertainingly dark and new.

Following an aspiring filmmaker and runner - mockumentary style - who discovers an unfinished 80’s slasher flick and vows to complete it, Street Walker keeps the audience guessing throughout.

A pacey, intelligent script featuring plenty of playful snipes at the British film industry make this little gem equally accessible to fans of original cinema and hardcore horror geeks alike. Definitely worth seeking out and an encouraging nod that, yes, intelligent, challenging horror movies can be made on a micro budget in Britain !

Spittle on my Phone

2010-05-10T13:36:00.001-07:00

There's spittle on my phone
From where I tried to explain
The inner workings of my core being
It's a shame
That it was
Turned off.

Nowhere Boy - out now on DVD

2010-05-10T13:16:00.000-07:00

Artist Sam Taylor Wood’s debut is a moving and well-crafted biopic focusing on Lennon’s early life and strained relationships with his old-fashioned aunt (Kristin Scott- Thomas) and unconventional, self-destructive mum (Anne-Marie Duff). Taylor-Wood’s real life beau Johnson captures Lennon’s belligerent, rebel with a soul persona beautifully but it is the performance of the two women who loom large in his life that steal the show. Cinematically one might expect more flair, but for Lennon fans this is a solid and sympathetic study of a turbulent period of the star’s life.

The Descent 2 - out on DVD now

2010-05-10T13:12:00.000-07:00

Well decent it ain’t. Whereas the first Descent movie benefitted from Neil Marshall’s imagination and eye for detail this brain dead sequel limps from uninspired jump to uninspired jump. Picking up after the first film’s ambiguous ending this part asks the audience to seriously believe that survivor Sarah (Shauna Macdonald) would go back into the cave to search for her lost pals. Yeah, right. There is no character development to speak of, some truly awful acting and worst of all, no scares. The subterranean ‘gribblies’ carry none of the menace of the first film mainly because we know they’re there. And that they’re blind and stupid. Avoid!

Kicks - released 4 June

2010-05-04T14:06:00.000-07:00

Of all the developments to come out of British society's recent fixation on celebrity culture the rise of the ‘wag’ is surely one if the most profoundly depressing. Young, usually glamorous wives and girlfriends solely defined by the wealth and fame of their sporting partners. Girl power it certainly isn’t, but apparently hopping into bed with a bloke with good ball skills has become to a lot of 21st girls a viable career path.

This grim reality of modern life is tackled sympathetically and without judgement by writer Leigh Campbell and directed confidently with no small amount of wit and charm by Lindy Heyman.

Focusing on two Liverpool girls’ (Kerrie Hayes, Nichola Burley - both very good) shared obsession for a Premiership footballer, Kicks attempts to uncover the desperation and stifled dreams behind the champagne cocktails and VIP parties of the local football aristocracy.

It is only partly successful. While the first half of the film - propelled ably by Ladytron’s melancholic electro - is an engaging tale of two lost souls sneaking in and out of clubs and wondering what to do with themselves; the second half- when they actually meet and take their hero hostage- is sadly disappointing.

The defining act of kidnapping the star player seems unlikely and even unnecessary to the story as a whole and even threatens to devalue the strength of what went on before. The two girls are at first seen as normal girls tainted somewhat by the regrettable disease of celeb worship, but never the less normal. In the second half they are borderline psychos; playing mind games with the captive winger and taking weird pics of him on their mobiles. An added element of horror yes, but one that detracts from the well balanced social commentary of before and not something that rings true of two ‘normal’ 15 year girls.

That aside, Kicks is an interesting and enormously relevant film and one that it is encouraging to see being made in this country.

How to 'make it' in the music biz

2010-04-10T23:59:00.000-07:00

To the undersigned I think I might sign this;
A scripture or a picture
Not worth painting
The gallery hangs...
Above us
And the similes
Sound like quiet or loud desperation.
If (at all) aware of imitation
Then at least make it interesting
Tick boxes
Lick boxes
And become a part of everything you hated
When you still had sense.

Other than that, play 3 chords loud (or quiet)
And remember that imagination
Can be yo muvva of invention.

Victoriana; the Sins of My Fathers

2010-04-01T11:22:00.000-07:00

Victoriana and the Sins of My Fathers
Out of my window the streets are still bleak.
The unforgiving highways and byways of this dark and unpleasant land –
Built upon Roman roads,
Ancient tracks, Sassenach Cul-de-sacs
- Remain caked with filth, muck and ground in grime.
The labours and Miss Demeanours – “Pray tell. Have you seen her?”
Of the City’s already dead show up like fresh scars
On the slippery-when-dry
Cobbled streets of old Queen Vic’s London.
Sparkling like shit in the not there sun,
Rich on pain,
Insane, fat and bloated on the toil of the conquered,
In India, Africa and over here.
Dear old London.
Dear old London.
How did we get here?

*
And thousands of miles away
After a few gin and laudanum cocktails I see it:
Eyes glinting like the fires of Hell
6 and a half feet tall
16t of prime BSE British Beef
The word ‘Dangerous’ tattooed in blood on its sweaty forehead.
Slaughtering and raping through village and town
Killing without remorse in jungle and desert.
Bayonet and cutlass
Rifle and blade
Extract the succour of wealth where they find it.
And send the money, wealth and self regard straight home to Blighty.
The blood red uniformed machine –
Is shouting “Progress! Progress!
For Queen and Cuntery
I shall kill so that you may live in Glorious Technicolor.“

*
Middle class guilt and the feeling of dread
200 years ago it’d be off wiv my head
I’ve taken all prescriptions for historical wins
And studied reparations of colonial sins
What it comes down to isn’t worth shit
Things are more concealed now but only a bit:
“O, we’re so sorry for what we have done
In the torture gardens and under blood sun
And we’re so sorry for acting like men
Never again, we promise, never again,
Cross our hearts and hope to die
Jesus is going to buy us an alibi”
For Christian soldiers march ever on
Fighting violence with violence, bomb with bomb
Our brave boys, when will they come home?
When the beast is sated and we have our New Rome.

*
Because let’s not kid
We’re still empire building
Except this time they call it ‘peace keeping’
Different masters, same shitty pay packet at the end of the month
With a built in tax on foreign affairs,
Pointless crusades and
Dodgy geography
Same circle of despair, same pictures of misery
Same cycle of abuse that has been going on
Since we left the hunting/gathering pack
And settled down with our farms and towns
With our pills and Dancing on Ice
We’re just defending what with got.
What’s wrong with that?
This ‘Great Game’ will never be won
But while it continues we've already lost.

*
Waking up now, through brightening eyes
Forgotten smiles, hazy sun-rise and inflammatory headlines
And an impenetrable smoky hangover
I see the streets filled with the noise and the bustle
The giving and the getting
The taking and the receiving
The dying and the grieving
The power and the glory
The bullshit stories
And another dead marine
In the year of our Lord Mamon 2010
All human life is here
Where’s the war?
Over there.
Who’s war?
Ours!

New Spoken Word Tracks

2010-03-11T06:24:00.000-08:00

I have put some new tracks up on Last Fm - they are free to download if that's your cup of meat.

www.last.fm/music/Robot+Monk/Dead+Letter+Days

Paranormal Activity - DVD out 22 March 2010

2010-02-04T05:49:00.000-08:00

Paranormal Activity
Released on DVD and Blu-Ray 22 March 2010.

The horror phenomenon of 2009 makes its appearance on DVD with the suspense, originality and most importantly, the scare-factor all intact. In fact, in some ways the conversion does the movie a favour - viewed in one’s home the movies subtleties and old-school chills come out into their own. One more point on this, the soundtrack is integral and deserves to be heard through a decent speaker system if the viewer is lucky enough to have one…

The plot itself is a fairly familiar tale of haunting and possession. Barely leaving the middle-class suburban house that is central to the film, the story follows a young couple’s nocturnal disturbances with a seemingly demonic presence that centres upon Katie, a student who has past experience with the paranormal.

Where the film differs – although sharing mood, atmosphere and some stylistic tricks - from a past classic such as Poltergeist or The Exorcist – is that Katie’s boyfriend Micah chooses to film the couple’s sleeping patterns on his fancy new camera in an attempt to understand what is going on. It is his footage that makes up what we see on screen.

Of course, this sort of ‘real’ footage as well as the police notes at the beginning and end of the movie (and the use of the actor’s real names) brings to mind another earlier horror phenomenon, The Blair Witch Project. Many sources have drawn unfavourable comparison between the two; and there is no getting around the fact that Activity borrows heavily from that film. Even some of the initial hype and Internet based marketing campaigns were similar. Certainly, it cannot be claimed that Activity is anywhere near as original as that previous movie.

However, for my money it is a more effective horror movie. Director Oren Peli is clearly a fan and in effect what he has done is a stripped down, minimal version of Blair Witch. In the final analysis it completely works as a scary movie - it produces enough jumps in its 90 minutes to fully deserve its reputation. The fixed set-up of one camera focused on a sleeping couple with unknown threat lurking is what stays in the memory. Like all great ideas it is a seemingly simple one – and one that probably every aspiring filmmaker wishes they had had first.

Note. The DVD comes with an alternate ending added as an extra. (This is Peli’s original ending which Spielberg’s producers decided to alter when it was realised that it ruled out the possibility of a money-spinning – and almost inevitably crappy sequel (PA 2 is being made by the bloke that did Saw IV. Nuff said…) There is also another version of the ending haunting the internet as well.)

Robert Monk

Katalin Varga DVD released 22 Feb 2010

2010-01-07T06:31:00.000-08:00

Peter Strickland’s mesmerising, timeless revenge thriller is a stunningly original debut and one that will surely garner an appreciative DVD audience.

The British auteur has meshed an intelligent and humanist work with a relentless, story structure filled with memorable, taut scenes. When at times it seems as if the narrative is about to veer off course, it always comes straight back with a precise, distilled form of suspense. It is by no means a ‘thrill-ride’ of a movie – it is after all a film with it’s roots in the art-house - but the intensity of the journey is gripping and stands up favourably to repeated viewings. The cinematography is at once impressive; beautifully capturing the dreamy pathways and surreal shadows that lie in wait in the Eastern European landscape of the Carpathians.

The film deals with crime; the nature of crime, the nature of revenge and, of course, punishment. In essence, it’s a Dostoyevskian folk-tale set in the Romanian countryside; a curious world where horse drawn carts mingle with mobile phones. It is also a profoundly sad piece, a study of how frail and fickle human relationships are and how men regularly mistreat and abuse women with depressing predictability.

Our protagonist (a strong, commanding performance from Hilda Péter)had been raped by two men in the past. This brutal incident results in a child, who Katalin brings up with her husband as their own. When the truth (which she has been hiding for ten years) comes to her husband’s attention he casts her out, unwilling or unable to cope with the facts of his son’s parentage. Katalin vows revenge on the rapists and, taking her only son in her old-fashioned wagon, she sets off down the road to find them and...to kill them.

It is a challenging film – one that challenges our idea of justice and right and wrong. Father figures switch places, police officers are unknowable and friends appear as enemies. In many ways a bleak film; then, implying as it does that in the end personal morality (no matter how twisted) is better than none at all, but a powerful film never the less and, ultimately, an enormously satisfying one.

My Top Films of 2009! another list.

2009-12-30T06:00:00.000-08:00

Yeah I know. Another list. Fuckin' Joy. Does anyone actually give a shit what ANYONE thinks anymore? Well anyway. Hold onto yo hats, folks. Here we go! It's my favourite films of the year.

1)Let the Right One In -
Cold. Supernatural sort of love story. The Anti-Twilight? Dunno, but beautiful, moving and original. My film of the year.

2)The White Ribbon -
Superlative exercise in unease from master of disquiet Haneke. Village of the Damned meets Downfall.

3)Fish Tank -
Proof that British social-realist cinema is alive and in good hands with Andrea Arnold's second feature after Red Road. Impressive debut from Katie Jarvis in gritty Essex drama from Ken Loach's natural heir.

4)Katalin Varga -
Romanian set revenge drama from another talented Brit Peter Strickland. Tightly scripted, pacey and powerful.

5)District 9 -
The South African Sci Fi movie of the year (er, usually so many to choose from!) Fuckin' Prawns.

6) Antichrist -
Grim discourse on the nature of marriage. Featuring genitial abuse and er, a talking fox. Dig deep enough under Von Trier's weirdo nods and winks and the shock factor and you're left with a though provoking dreamlike movie.

7)Paranormal Activity -
People seemed to enjoy knocking this a bit... it's not boring - that's tension! Does what it should - with shades of The Exorcist and Blair Witch. Nice to see a well made supernatural film which isn't for children or muppets anyway.

8)Star Trek -
Blockbuster that reespects the francise and enhances it. To my mind better than any of the previous Trek movies. A lot of fun.

9) Drag Me To Hell -
Sam Raimi does what he's best at, doing the horror/comedy thing. Less slapstick that Evil Dead trilogy but still pretty cartoonish. Also a deliciously twisted ending that was hilarious in it's audacity. Another great horror movie !

10) The Hurt Locker -
I'm not normally big on war movies but I couldn't ignore this Iraq drama . Scary, intense. Looks beyond the macho grimness of the soldier life. It'll probably clean up at the Oscars next year... Jeremy Renner will become a huge star .

message ends

Me and Orson Welles - Released 4 Dec

2009-11-08T15:26:00.000-08:00

Effortlessly imagining the heady world of 1930s New York theatre, Richard Linklaker’s (Dazed and Confused, School of Rock) follow up to the disappointing Fast Food Nation, is an engaging and smartly scripted coming of age trip through the drama of life on the stage.

Teen song and dance man Zac Efron (High School Musical, 17 Again) is undoubtedly the main draw as a young actor who gets his dream break with Orson Welles’ Mercury Theatre Company. In just one week, Efron’s green but determined Richard Samuels goes from star-struck wannabe to Broadway debuting Shakespearian actor. Along the way he finds romance with an older, sophisticated theatre assistant (Claire Danes) and painfully witnesses at first hand the mysteries of Welles’ genius and artistic temperament.

First of all Efron is fine – likeable and lively as the wide-eyed innocent, he brings a vitality to the role that his young fans will surely appreciate. Not exactly a stretch of a character for him, but one that he plays to good effect. And of course, his hair and teeth look great.

The film is, however, all about the magic of Orson Welles and the storming performance of newcomer Christian McKay, who manages to capture Welles’ every nuance and tick with alarming accuracy. From the first bellowed boom of the famous Wellsian tones McKay announces his arrival on screen as a major talent. His Orson is fantastic; funny, erudite, charismatic, manic and hugely intelligent. In short, the movie is worth going to see on the strength of this performance/impression alone.
Strong support from a cast including Brits Eddie Marsden (so good in Mike Leigh’s recent Happy Go Lucky) and Ben Chaplin (The Thin Red Line) lends an extra bit of class to an already high quality production but in truth this is McKay’s – and Orson’s – show. The story is lightweight stuff and the style and tone will not win any awards for originality. What sets it apart is McKay’s extraordinary portrayal. Once again Orson is the star of the show, which is, of course, the only way he would have had it.

Rob Monk

Haneke's The White Ribbon - released 13 November

2009-10-04T08:32:00.000-07:00

The White Ribbon
dir Michael Haneke
released 13 November

The gifted and controversial Haneke follows up his American remake of Funny Games with this Palme D’Or grabbing psychological thriller. Revealing dark questions of the human condition very much characteristic of the filmmaker’s probing intellect, The White Ribbon is a creepily disturbing psychodrama that effortlessly plays on societies’ fears of abusive authority and hidden evil.

Shot entirely in black and white; all expressionist shadows and brooding menace, the film follows the strange events and apparent accidents that trouble a rural school and farming community in 1913 North Germany. A narrator, (identified later as the young schoolmaster), links the events in the film with Germany’s history in the first half of the 20th century and although not overtly pointed out, it is the rise of fascism that Haneke is concerned with here.

The village is one big cess-pit of fear and paranoia - of abusers and the abused and of hate born of ignorance and out of control authority. A laugh-riot it most certainly is not. But a more high minded and emotionally challenging movie will not be delivered this year. Grueling, intense and displaying steely eyed focus, The White Ribbon marks a high point for modern European cinema.

Rob Monk

Birdwatchers - Out Now

2009-09-25T06:02:00.000-07:00

Birdwatchers
Dir: Marco Bechis
Released 18 Sept

A thoughtful and well observed story of culture clash in rural Brazil, Birdwatchers is at times haunting and sad, capturing rare images of a stunning and beautiful land. The traditional way of life of the indigenous Guarani-Kaiowa people of Mato Grosso do Sul is pushed to the forefront, revealing a proud race constantly under threat from the modern world. The film is the story of their ability (and struggle) to adapt accordingly, while staying true to the beliefs of their elders.

Unfortunately, a somewhat disjointed and disorientating narrative does not fully do the tribespeople or their plight complete justice. The plot jumps around too quickly in an effort to personalise the political statement of the piece. The burgeoning love affair between trainee shaman Osvaldo and farmer’s daughter Maria and the flirtations between ‘The Scarecrow’ (recruited by the landowners to watch the tribe) and the local women could have both received more screen time. Instead their stories are left to dwindle disappointingly away. Similarly, the emotional impact of a second suicide within the tribe feels curiously dampened by the amount of ground that is being covered.

However, there are many powerful scenes that resound in what is essentially a serious political film. The opening scene of bird-watching tourists floating down the river, expressing surprised delight at the ‘natives’ who jump up and down shaking spears and bows as they go by is great. Shortly afterwards we see these same ‘natives’ in modern dress getting paid for their acting work.

The political and social landscape of Guarani-Kaiowa is deeply imprinted on the movie and theirs is a story richly deserving of attention. It is a shame that at times it feels as though a traditional documentary may have worked better. That said, the film is a moving and humbling account of a battle that has and is being fought all around the globe.

Robert Monk

All Tomorrow's Parties - The Film

2009-09-25T01:18:00.000-07:00

All Tomorrow’s Parties
DVD release and download Nov 2

“For the fans, by the fans” is a phrase that comes to my mind whilst watching this lively, vibrant documentation of the first ten years of the popular ATP festival. Collated from hundreds of hours of footage of the festivals submitted by bands, fans and the organisers themselves on a variety of different formats, the film is more than your average concert movie.

Like the festival itself, the film plays host to a chaotic mixture of styles – with an emphasis on experimental guitar music – and the varying quality of the film recordings adds to this slightly schizophrenic, surreal experience. Snippets of live performances from the likes of Belle & Sebastian, The Gossip, Animal Collective and Iggy Pop provide the meat and bones of the film, but they are interspersed with a fan’s eye view of the festival. The editing is adventurous and imaginative - many of the clips look back to the traditional British holidays of times past that took place in usual ATP venues of Minehead and Camber Sands.

A sense of the festival’s character and personality really comes through; as ATP founder Barry Hogan states, it was originally set up to be “like a best friend’s mix-tape, only on stage.”The off the wall, easy going nature is captured perfectly, whether it’s Daniel Johnston playing to a small crowd in a chalet or someone falling off a balcony drunk. There are times however, when it all feels a little bit ‘Woodstock’ - too many shots of young men with long hair acting stoned.

Without a narrative or voiceover the film is somewhat disorientating and trippy, but as a tribute to a modern musical institution and the raw power of rock and roll All Tomorrow’s Parties takes some beating.

Rob Monk
www.atpfestival.com

The Agent

2009-08-11T23:46:00.000-07:00

The Agent

Dir. Leslie Manning/ Written by Martin Wagner

Ever wonder who decides what books you read? No, it’s not Richard and Judy, not even Oprah. The answer, as delivered by this spiky and clever little film, happens to invariably be the literary agent (played with gutsy vigour here by William Beck). Alexander the agent is cunning, ruthless and oblivious to taste or criticism and is out to make lots and lots of money. Which he does very well. And like all the best con-men, we find that he is strangely likeable and charismatic in spite of ourselves …

Plunging us head first into the wheelings and dealings of the publishing world, Martin Wagner’s bitingly funny screenplay follows disgruntled author Stephen (a world-weary Stephen Kennedy) in his attempts to get his agent to justify his fee and his occupation. Fearing that his agent is not doing enough to push his second novel, Stephen takes matters into his own hands…

The Agent started out as a play and it shows in the production. There are only a few characters (Maureen Lipman turns up in one very funny scene) and most of the film is a two-way conversation between Stephen and Alexander taking place in a non-descript office. But what the film lacks in action or variety of tone it more than makes up for in the quality of the writing and acting. The two leads are superb and absolutely convincing in their given roles. Kennedy’s edgy desperation drives the film and evokes tremendous sympathy as the man who has been knocked by life one too many times. Beck is equally good and displays great levels of wit and charm. The characters are so believable that at points the film almost feels like a documentary.

The real star on show however is the terrific writing. I doubt a more truthful film exists in relation to the literary world and if it does it could scarcely be more energetic, funny or stylish. A real gem, packed with wonderful lines and two incredible, performances. This is a challenging and thought provoking film that treats its audience with a maturity and respect, which is unfortunately all too rare in British cinema. Seek it out.

The Agent is out September 18th and is showing at the BFI Southbank.

Mad, Sad and Bad? Nah, Just bad...

2009-08-11T23:41:00.000-07:00

Mad, Sad & Bad - UK, 98 mins, English. Dir. Avie Luthra.

Meera Syal, Nitin Ganatra, Zubin Varla, Andrea Riseborough

Avie Luthra’s comedy drama about a British-Asian family attempts to uncover universal truths and generous laughs from the minefield of modern relationships and city living. Unfortunately, despite a good cast - including familiar faces such as Meera Syal and Eastenders’ Nitin Ganatra – the script is frail, largely laugh free, and the plot, such as it is, never gets going. The whole feel of the production is that of a TV movie, or perhaps a pilot for an uncomissioned sit-com.

A large part of the problem can be ascertained from Luthra’s notes when he states that he intended to reflect a “kind of metropolitan thirty-something selfishness…people in their mid/late thirties in mixed relationships who were so self obsessed they’re not able to look beyond their own needs.” Now, if ever there was an unnecessary and uninspiring pitch it would have to be that one. Perhaps that sounds harsh and unfair. However, it was particularly disappointing that the most potentially interesting aspect of all of this – the mixed-race relationships, possible cultural divides etc – was not examined or used in anything approaching dramatic (or comedic) fashion at all. Indeed, the fact that there are mixed-relationships in the film is unimportant and largely irrelevant. All of the characters could have been Brit-white or all could have been Brit-Asian and the script could have remained unaltered. Which is presumerably the point? But in that case why mention or show it at all?

As it is, Mad, Sad & Bad joins the already tragically large list of failed British comedic offerings. The three main storylines; Syal’s dowdy Rashmi’s quest for a decent date in order to get her secretly boozing Mum (Leena Dhingra) off her back, Ganatra’s Atul’s troubled relationships and writer’s block and eldest brother Hardeep’s (Zubin Varla) sex obsession and lonely home life all remain unconvincing and barely raise a smile between them. Often the balance between comedy and drama seems well off kilter – particularly Hardeep’s attempted seduction of his brother’s girlfriend (Riseborough), which just comes across as inappropriate and seedy.

The strongest character is probably that of the matriarch Usha, whose post-death narration opens and closes the film and should be the spark that leads the characters out of their naval gazing. She at least provides some sense of realism, as her loneliness and desire for a better life for her kids begins to tire her out.

As for the other characters, they seem forced and underdeveloped. Syal and Ganatra are both good comedy performers, but they are working with frankly sub-standard material here. A running gag about Atul struggling to write an opera about cheese is painfully unfunny and is unfortunately the abiding memory that sticks after the credits roll. Mad, Sad & Bad? No, sadly, just bad.

Mad, Sad & Bad is out now.

Looking For Eric - Back of the net!

2009-06-07T13:26:00.000-07:00

Looking For Eric (15)

Dir. Ken Loach, 2009, UK, 116 mins

Cast. Eric Cantona, Steve Evets, John Henshaw, Stephanie Bishop

Films about the beautiful game have had a troubled history. From the undoubtedly bizarre thrill of watching Sylvester Stallone lining up alongside Bobby Moore and Pele in The Great Escape to lacklustre debacles such as Fever Pitch or When Saturday Comes, cinema has struggled to capture the sport’s emotional intensity, passion and endless possibilities. More recently the depressing sub-genre of hooligan film (Green Street, The Football Factory) has overshadowed the game itself on the screen.

Thankfully, with Ken Loach’s (himself a follower of non-league titans Bath City) masterful feel good character study Looking for Eric, footy fans finally have a film to be proud of. And this is by no means at the exclusion of audiences more at home in the cinema than on the terrace. Football references are kept to a broad minimum and should not put off anyone unfamiliar with flat back fours, the offside rule, or relegation dogfights.

Steve Evets’ (think, Mancunian Harry Dean Stanton) terminally depressed and damaged postman Eric Bishop is in the middle of a nuclear strength mid life fall-out. We first meet him as he drives his van the wrong way round a busy roundabout oblivious to the oncoming traffic. As a compelling visual metaphor for his sad existence it grabs us from the off and doesn’t let go.

He left his first wife (Stephanie Bishop) 30 years ago in the grip of doubts and fears about becoming a father and remains painfully in love. The stepsons (Gerard Kearns, Stefan Gumbs) from his second marriage treat him with contempt and rule the roost at home. On top of this he can’t afford to go and see his beloved Manchester United anymore. To be blunt, life for Eric sucks.

And where is the wayward genius Cantona in all this misery? Well, at the height of his despair Eric turns to his bedroom poster of the legend and asks him where it all went wrong. To his understandable surprise the former Old Trafford hero appears, languidly stepping forth in a puff of spliff smoke (‘borrowed’ from the troublesome step-kids) and beguiling bon mots.

And from that point on King Eric acts as advisor, fairy godmother and personal trainer, constantly popping up offering sage advice and typically oblique poetics; cleverly sending up his public persona (I am not a man…I am Cantona, he announces, tongue firmly in cheek) and showing a nice gift for subtle comedy. Eric’s desire to explain and understand his failings and goal of reuniting with the love of his life is carefully plotted by his charismatic namesake and together they make a genuinely winning double act.

Great support is provided by Eric’s workmates (particularly John Henshaw’s splendidly named Meatballs); the scene in the postal depot where they try to raise a smile from Eric by telling him god-awful jokes is a peculiarly British comedy gem. Loach’s (at 73, surely worthy of ‘national treasure’ status) love of gallows humour is always near the forefront but it is without doubt his lightest film in tone; the ending is brilliantly upbeat and will leave a quiet grin on the face for many weeks afterwards. Some aspects of the crime sub plot in the second half of the film don’t always work but these are minor quibbles and as a plot device it necessitates the superb climax. A genuinely entertaining, funny and emotive British movie that fully deserves the many accolades that are sure to come its way. A film to be proud of… back of the net!

Looking For Eric is released on June 12

Anything For Her - released 5 June

2009-05-01T01:08:00.000-07:00

A superlative French thriller that draws favourable comparison to Guilliaume Canet’s 2007 crossover success Tell No One, in Anything for Her (Pour Elle) Fred Cavaye explores similar themes of obsession and love while progressing with a tightly scripted plot at breakneck speed.

Lisa (Diane Kruger) and Julien (Vincent Lindon) lead a happily married life with their young son. This state of bliss is turned upside down when armed cops knock down their door and arrest Lisa for murder. Julien cannot bear to be without her and sets out to break her free - even if it means that he has to kill in order to do it.

The film’s strength largely lies in Lindon’s performance. He is solid, charismatic and believable as the average Joe schoolteacher pushed to his extremes by love and the possibility of that love being lost. There is never the sense that events are implausible; out of control and mad, yes, but always believable. The film constantly asks: what would you do in the same position?

Tormented. out May 22. take it away. please ! please!

2009-05-01T00:53:00.000-07:00

Oh dear. Essentially Hollyoaks with blood or an episode of Skins meets Scream, Brit- high school horror Tormented has its target audience firmly in view. Sadly this does not seem to include anyone a; over the age of 15 or b; seen more than a handful of decent movies (horror or otherwise). Even the basest teen soap has more wit and vigour than this frankly embarrassing offering.

The plot, such as it is, concerns the suicide of bullied teen Darren Mullet and his apparent re-appearance as a vengeful zombie ghost thing eager to get back at the cast of gormless, braying good looking bastards who did for him in the first place.

Displaying varying degrees of idiocy, the clichéd bunch of Emos, slappers, geeks and jocks get bumped off in disappointingly boring fashion. The final ‘twist’ is laughable and seeks to act as some sort of get out clause for the mirthless crap that preceded it.

Avoid like the plague. It’ll probably be huge.

Note: Incredibly Empire magazine which I enjoy and respect gave this pile an extremely generous and good review. Why ??! Seriously, any horror fan (or sentient being) will be switched off by this. The fact that it's rated a 15 should tell you that it's not in the so shit or rank that it's good category...whatever....

Blog updates

2009-05-01T00:51:00.000-07:00

Have been a bit quiet on the old blog front lately... apologies to the warm souled few for this...updates a plenty everywhere coming up x

Is Anybody There? - Rel. 1 May - Michael Caine on top form

2009-05-01T00:46:00.000-07:00

10 year old Edward (Bill Milner) lives a lonely existence in a sea-side retirement home with his stressed out parents (David Morrissey, Anne-Marie Duff) and a cast of eccentric geriatrics. Bored and increasingly obsessed with death, he is abruptly brought out of his morbid shell by the arrival of “The Amazing” Clarence (Michael Caine) an anarchic retired magician.

Mining similar territory to last year’s Brit-hit ‘Son of Rambow’ (also featuring rising child star Milner) ‘Is Anybody There?’ is a charming and often very funny slice of 80’s family nostalgia that – thanks to Peter Harness’ terrific script – always manages to ring true.

Unsurprisingly, Caine lights up the screen whenever on it and he and Milner develop a chemistry that imbues the drama with a real depth of emotion and credibility. Backed up by a strong supporting cast of familiar faces (Leslie Philips, Sylvia Syms) this is a quintessentially English story that should find itself a wide audience.

7/10

Bronson released 13 March

2009-03-07T01:53:00.000-08:00

I read a book about legendary nutter Charles Bronson many years ago and always felt it would make a great bio-pic. Well, here it is! And it's good.

Michael Peterson, better known as Charles Bronson (named after the Death Wish actor for want of a fighting name) has the dubious honour of being known alternately as Britain's 'most notorious prisoner' and 'Britain's most dangerous prisoner'. A fascinatingly complex and self-destructive figure, he has spent most of his life behind bars. Prison gave him the recognition he craved; earning a reputation for insane random acts of violence and a punishing exercise routine.

This grimly humourous and often surreal drama takes us through the pivotal moments of Bronson's (a buffed up Tom Hardy; RocknRolla) life, including hold-ups, prize-fights and dancing to the Pet Shop Boys in a mental hospital. No punches - or kicks, or choke-holds - are pulled along the way.

However, despite Bronson's commitment to ultra-realistic violence (the predictable outcry about glorification can already be heard), the second act of the film concentrates on the man's idiosyncratic artistic ability; developed through prison classes and encouraged by James Lance's (I'm Alan Partridge, Teachers) entertainingly camp teacher. Bronson's twin passions of art and violence culminate in an extraordinary climax, which will surely be one of the most talked about in a British movie this year.

Essentially an English take on Aussie crime classic Chopper, a similarly cult audience is assured.

Breakdance 1 and 2 released on DVD

2009-03-07T01:23:00.000-08:00

Somehow I had never seen these movies before - despite a love of electro and early hip-hop. I had seen clips, of course. (Van Damme!) Anyway, they are bloody funny. Here is my review...

Breakdance (along with it's sequel Electric Boogaloo) or Breakin' in the US has to be hailed as a serious contender for most 80's movie ever. A bold claim certainly; but one that is wholly supported by weapons of mass distraction such as insane moves, street 'tuff' fashions and plot lines centering on fighting evil corporate yuppies solely through the medium of dance.

It comes as no surprise that the ludicrously cheesy scrapes involving the three main characters; Ozone, Turbo and, erm, Kelly are merely a vehicle for them and their mates to show off some stunning dancing. Still, the filmmakers were unlikely to have been overly concerned with the depth of plot or character development when coming up with the initial 'concept'.

As an often hilarious and always endearing slice of 80's nostalgia the Breakdance films are hard to beat. Worth the price alone is a blink and you'll miss him Jean Claude Van Damme breakin' away and a slightly embarrassed looking Ice-T, rapping in distinctly non-gangsterish manner. Fresh, y'all!

The DVDs are released in UK on 6 April 2009

Stuck released 9 Jan 2009, Mena Suvari, Stephen Rea

2008-12-21T09:47:00.000-08:00

Dir. Stuart Gordon

Mena Suvari, Stephen Rea

Stuck manages to pull off the impressive trick of transforming an interesting and bizarre true event into an unwieldy and above all lame horror movie.

Director Stuart Gordon is best know for the hilarious HP Lovecraft inspired romp Re-Animator, an 80's not-so guilty pleasure of a shocker that more than made up for its lack of psychological terror and cinematic ability with a sense of fun and energy that propelled it on its macabre way.

Sadly, Stuck has none of this. The story is based upon a Texan woman who struck a man while driving and literally left him stuck in her windshield for days while he slowly bled to death. So, nice stuff and fully deserving of a horror flick makeover. Unfortunately, the limp acting (Suvari and Rea are both decent actors, why they became involved with this wrongheaded project is frankly beyond me) and essentially dumb dialogue hamstrings the film before anything of consequence actually happens.

When Suvari's retirement home worker (the opening scenes detailing her grim daily life- wiping old men's bottoms, that sort of thing - are probably the scariest things in this movie) hits Rea's newly homeless, down on his luck type fella while high, the scene is set for a tiresome battle of wills. While Rea stays stuck in Suvari's garage hanging on to life by a thread, Suvari takes drugs, has sex and wrestles with her conscious. It becomes clear fairly early on that the filmmakers have no idea what to do with this premise and any interest in whether Rea actually makes it out alive is dispensed with just as quickly.

Impossibly crappy looking cinematography only adds fuel to the general ugliness of the piece. Of course, sleep-walking actors, horrendous dialogue and an incredibly irritating soundtrack don't help too much either. Unsure whether to go for the horror juggler or to play it for misanthropic laughs, Stuck remains, well stuck in meaningless limbo of ineptitude. Avoid like the proverbial.

Stuck is released 9 Jan 2009

The Crew - rel on DVD 12 Jan 2009 - post Lock-Stock cultural waste land anyone? ANYONE??!

2008-12-21T06:24:00.000-08:00

The Crew - Out on DVD 12 Jan 2009

Dir. Adrian Vitoria

Scot Williams, Kenny Doughty, Cordelia Bugeja, Rory McCann

Featuring a script so full of tired, worn out gangster cliches it's in danger of kicking itself to death, The Crew marks a disappointing return to the sort of generic 'geezer' thrillers that clogged up the video shops of the post Lock-Stock Brit-flick cultural wasteland. You know the score - gratuitous violence and drug runners with cretinous nick names (Harry the truck) mixed in with often wildly inappropriate bouts of inane comedy. Most of those late 90's offerings never approached Mr Ritchie's debut for style and smart dialogue and The Crew is no exception.

Essentially the story follows Liverpool crime boss Ged Brennan (Williams, a dead ringer for ex-Reds footballer Jamie Redknapp) in his attempt to carry out 'one last job' in order to set himself and his young family up for life. Things don't go to plan however, (of course they don't - it would be a total waste of time if they did, rather than just a large proportion of one) especially when his brother (Doughty) - a local hard nut who hangs around with Tinhead from Brookside - decides he wants a piece of the city's local drug trade. Sickening, usually pointless, violence ensues shot in graphic detail.

Caught up within the manic speed rush of baseball bats and Scouse inflected beatings is a frankly bizarre and implausible sub-plot involving Brennan and his wife Debs (Bugeja) getting conned by a charming couple posing as property dealers. The lady of the honey trap pair seduces Debs in hilarious lesbian fashion that is as contrived as it is unnecessary. It does however provide the film's (unintentional, one assumes) funniest scene.

All of the characters are wholly unpleasant, even the supposed loveable clown Moby (McCann) is a sex obsessed heavy with a sort of apathetic love for strip joints, masturbation and booze. Ok, so maybe he's not all bad. The rest of the psychopathic bunch stumble around in a semi-coma. only occasionally drawn out of their slumber by talk of the ridiculous 'plan' and the promise of Playstation 3's.

Oddly, these grim personalities of the central players add nothing to the authenticity of the piece - it merely leaves it cold, depressing and intellectually frail. Hardly a recommendation in anyone's book.

Surveillance - released Jan 9 2009 - Jennifer Lynch does it again.

2008-12-21T06:01:00.000-08:00

Surveillance

Rel. Jan 9 2009

Dir. Jennifer Lynch

Bill Pullman, Julia Ormond, Michael Ironside

Jennifer (daughter of David) Lynch hasn't made a movie since 1993's bizarre pseudo S & M mess Boxing Helena. While Surveillance is nowhere near as bad as that piece of soft-core 'erotic' nonsense, it does suffer from similar problems of style, tone and scripting.

The premise of the film is that the FBI are tracking a pair of serial killers with the help of three different survivors; a drug using teen, a little girl and a police officer. Bill Pullman and Julia Ormond are the agents entrusted with the task of deciphering the mystery. They both give fairly good performances and handle the weak script with as much dignity and guile as they can. Through no fault of his own, cult character actor Michael Ironside (of V, Total Recall and Starship Troopers fame) gives a disappointingly innocuous performance as the local Captain. His character has little to do and seems more of an afterthought than anything else.

While the perversion of authority theme is dealt with reasonably well and at some length - the local officers do an entertaining and disturbing 'good cop/bad cop' routine - there is a huge gaping wound of a flaw lying at the heart of the movie. Without giving too much away, any moviegoer who has seen more than a handful of thrillers or horror movies will see the twist coming a light year away. It is far too obvious - many will suss it after 10 minutes - and it irrevocably damages the film. This is a shame as there are some interesting, albeit underdeveloped ideas floating around. The acting is solid enough and at times there is a genuine air of trademark Lynchian family weirdness. However, the lack of any real sort of motivation for the murders, limp dialogue, terrible characterisation and the 10 ton clanger of a 'twist' renders Surveillance lifeless and ultimately pointless.

Ano Una (Year of the Nail)

2008-12-16T12:47:00.000-08:00

I neglected to post this when I saw it - it was released at the end of Nov, but it is a great film and worth getting on DVD.

Jonas Cuaron's (son of Children of Men helmer Alfonso) debut is a stunning piece of work. A true labour of love, over the course of a year Cuaron took thousands of photographs of his surroundings, eventually constructing a plot from recurring themes.

The charming and sharply written script concerns Diego, a randy fourteen year old Mexican boy and his lustful but naive relationship with Molly (Cuaron's girlfriend and co-producer Erieann Harper), an older American student. The still photography works brilliantly with each actor successfully bringing the image to life with their voiceovers.

The film is a remarkably intimate slice of life about growing up, falling in love and chasing dreams. As cheesy as this might sound, the film emerges as a real surprise. It is one of the most original and uplifting films of the year and deserves a wider audience than it'll probably get. A brave art-house film with a big heart, it is sweetly funny and a great success all round. Well worth seeking out.

Slumdog Millionaire - rel. 9 Jan - Great start for 2009!

2008-12-16T11:06:00.000-08:00

A terrifically engaging debut film performance from Dev Patel (of TV's Skins) as Mumbai street kid Jamal is at the heart of Danny Boyle's uplifting slice of near magical realism.

Having somehow found himself on the verge of winning the jackpot on the Hindi version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, Jamal's short but eventful life is brought sharply into focus. Taking the form of short vignettes, each question that Jamal answers (to the shocked disbelief of Anil Kapoor's suspicious host) relates to his traumatic upbringing.

The supporting cast serves the film brilliantly, with the filmmakers carrying off the neat trick of using three set of actors to portray Jamal, his older brother and his love interest at different stages of their young lives.

As one would expect of Boyle, the action is superbly handled in what is a fascinating mixture of genres. The different strands eventually form a love story that is genuinely moving. And yes, there's even a Bollywood style dance off at the end!

Milk -Oscar trail for Penn again?

2008-11-23T05:38:00.000-08:00

Just seen Gus Van Sant's new one, here is my review...

MILK

rel-16 Jan 2009

Dir. Gus Van Sant

Sean Penn, James Franco, Josh Brolin, Emile Hirsch

Understandably, there is early Oscar talk surrounding Milk. Penn looks set to be on the awards trail again with this assured, entertaining yet undeniably 'worthy' biopic from the inconsistent Mr Van Sant. However, underneath the hyperbole emerges a remarkable film about a remarkable man.

Penn plays Harvey Milk, Gay Rights activist and San Francisco's first openly gay city official. HIs rise to power and influence and subsequent tragic demise are captured sensitively. It's no hagiography either. Milk was no saint or martyr and the filmmakers have made no attempt to disguise a formidable ego and a somewhat manipulative personality. He was however a tireless campaigner and fine speaker who worked with the best of intentions and ideals. Penn is absolutely believable as Milk and imbues the role with a level of charisma that is just great to watch.

There is tremendous support too from Hirsch (Speed Racer, Alpha Dog) and Franco (Spiderman, Pineapple Express) as Milk's right hand man and lover respectively. However, it is Josh Brolin (No Country For Old Men, W) as Milk's sometime colleague and nemesis Dan White who really impresses, particularly when on screen with Penn. Brolin nails the tragic flaws in White's make-up, displaying true finesse in instilling real depth and inner turmoil in such an un-likeable character.

Easily Van Sant's most complete movie to date, Milk is where the early promise of Drugstore Cowboy, To Die For and Good Will Hunting really falls into place. With debates over same sex marriage currently raging in California the film is hugely relevant. More importantly, it is a timeless story of a man unafraid to face the injustices and prejudices of society to create lasting change.

Hexstatic - Videos, Remixes & Rarities

2008-11-22T12:00:00.000-08:00

Out on Ninja Tune 1 Dec

Hexstatic - Stuart Hill and Robin Brunson to their mums - have been plying their intoxicating brand of audio-visual wizardry for well over a decade now. This DVD/CD collection neatly compiles their best work and is essential for anyone with any sort of interest in A/V beat matching.

From famed Colcut collaboration 'Timber' to 2007's 'When Robot's Go Bad' LP, the set is all about consistently innovative and entertaining distillations of full-on, switched on mentalness. With appearances from Sir Jimmy Saville ('Auto'), Rolf Harris ('Stylophonic'), old skool video games ('Bass Invader', 'Vector'), singing parrots and the best rap and visual mash-up EVER this DVD serves as perfect post-club viewing. And we all know what that means. Just buy it - your ears, eyes and head will want to hug you. Seriously, it's like acid without the paranoia, depression and regret. And that, my friends, is a good thing.

Check out hexstatic.tv to see more.

'Blindness' - Out Now - smack you with the blindingly obvious...

2008-11-22T05:02:00.000-08:00

BLINDNESS

dir. Fernando Merielles

Julianne Moore, Mark Rufallo, Gael Garcia Bernal, Danny Glover

Merielles' (The Constant Gardener, City of God) adaptation of Nobel Prize winning author Jose Saramango's apocalyptic tale is an ambitious, but flawed creation. As the unnamed residents of an unnamed city are struck blind one by one, Mark Ruffalo's (Zodiac) Doctor attempts to understand the contagious condition. However, when he too is infected and taken to quarantine, his unaffected wife (Julianne Moore) becomes the only person with vision (physically, and woo, like, spiritually). Moore's character soon has to contend with the increasing depravity of the holding hospital and becomes, by default, responsible for leading the randomly thrown together strangers (including Danny Glover and Alice Braga) and defending them from the nasty gang-rape fixated elements of the hospital/prison (Gael Garcia Bernal, Maury Chaykin).

Blindness suffers from a peculiar heavy-handedness in its completely unsubtle sub-text. The audience feels like it's being bludgeoned over the head with the blindingly (sorry) obvious. Something along the lines of 'humanity is blind to bad things and we aren't terribly nice to one another'. If this can somehow be put to one side (I couldn't really) it could maybe be possible to enjoy Blindness as a stylish, 'zombie-ish' thriller. (Misanthropic/apocalyptic 'Zombie' thrillers are absolutely everywhere these days. Where were they when I needed them, in the early 90's??) For most of us however, the film's simplistic (and worryingly exploitative) handling of the source material renders it a largely unlovable and unpleasant experience.